Nearly there…

Guys, what even is life?

Most days I spend my time in my room reading a book or on the internet thinking that this isn’t how I should be living life, but for now it’s all I have.

I used to (and sometimes still do) get so upset that I live in a city that offers nothing to me. I thankfully landed two internships this summer. One is for a museum and the other a tourism/advertising/magazine company which sounds like my cup of tea, but most of the time when I’m there I imagine myself in an office in NYC at MTV headquarters.

I have cleaned, filed, typed up things and done minuscule tasks through which I learned a lot. I didn’t realize how much help taking out the trash or organizing folders can be and how much you learn from doing those things. When you’re taking out the trash you can converse a little with each person in each office; and you sort of have to know what is in each folder and when you open each one you can learn something new from its contents.

I have enjoyed interning, but I am certainly ready for the summer to be over.

It is now 16 days until I pack up my little Kia Soul and drive 8-9 hours west.

I can’t even describe what I’m feeling. I’m sitting here trying to compare it to Christmas when you’re a kid (typical), a concert you really want to go to (typical me), but I just can’t! Probably because I have never experienced anything that amounts to this kind of change. If I were to move 8-9 hours east or north I would be a in a different state, but Texas is so huge that I will still be contained by its borders… but barely.

But that is perfectly fine! If you have ever noticed, each section of Texas is completely its own and so different from the last.

Although I’m not entirely sure what to expect out there, I know that it’s going to be different. I won’t have any family in the area so I really will have to fend for my own. I do have a very best friend who is just two hours north and a very good friend who is three hours south, so I will have semi comfort when I first arrive.

I suppose I should mention that I do know a few people who also go to my school, so it’s not like I’m arriving in a town where no one knows my name. But I kind of am…and I’m so excited.

If you have ever made a move like this whether it’s for school, a job or whatever else, you can feel an excited high from feeling like you can completely start over. You can also feel like that when you know less than 10 people who are already wherever you’re going.

You can still start completely over.

My biggest thing is dressing how I want to dress. Style is something that I care a lot about, not because I’m a prima donna, but because (borrowing the phrase from Rachel Zoe) it’s a way to express yourself without saying anything. It can be altered to fit your mood on any day, show people what you are like and make you feel good about yourself.

When I  love what I’m wearing I feel like I could take over the world on any given day. I feel like I can accomplish my goals no matter how far off they seem. I also feel a little more supreme than others in the room.

Where I live now I can barely put lipstick on and dress nicely and not get dirty looks. I’ve never understood why it happens. Everyday people wake up and they have the absolute power to present themselves in whatever way they wish. If some choose to not fix themselves up, so what? If some do, so what? You should never have to apologize or feel like you can’t wear what you want because of your environment.

Of course I expect a few looks when I arrive on campus due to my lack of love of the Nike short and T-shirt combo which seems to be rather popular at any university, but it will be fine. I have never and will never be that girl who wears that combination, not because I’m above it or because I feel the need to “look better” (and trust me, some of those girls look better than me in anything). It’s because that is just not my style. There will be days, admittedly, where I will rush out the door and wear this infamous combination, but those days are rare.

I also like to be presentable at any given moment. You never know who you could run into.

Anyway, 16 days away from the biggest relocation of my life. Twenty years old and so ready for the change.

My inspiration has literally run dry (I’m listening to ‘Torn’ right now) and Lubbock provides so many new inspirations I can’t even wrap my head around it.

The Texas Tech campus itself feels like I’m in a movie. The Spanish architecture is so beautiful I will probably be one of those girls who study on a bench outside.

I have so many plans for my two remaining years at a university, and I hope I get to experience them and share them with you.

 

Love,

AM x

Waiting

Do you ever feel like you’re always waiting on something?
Even if you have no idea what it is?

I’ve felt like that for the past few weeks and it’s kind of hurting my brain that I can’t figure out what or why I’m feeling like this.

It’s a constant anxious unknown state that’s like being caged up. I can’t do anything, I can’t go anywhere and I can’t talk to anyone about it because–I’m assuming–they’ll think I’m crazy.

“Hey friend, do you ever feel like you’re waiting on something and you don’t know what the hell it is?”

Slowly walks away.

Social media or makes you only capable of being social on media?

A few minutes ago I was staring at my screen and trying to figure out what the point of Google+ is and then… I decided I didn’t care.

There are so many different social networks available today, why does it matter if I have a Google+ account or if I don’t? Do I really care if I’m in other peoples “circles” or not? Answer: No, I don’t care.

Lately I haven’t been blogging and I have been Instagramming (mildly), tumblr reblogging (avidly) and tweeting (A LOT) and that’s enough for me.

I’ve been thinking about how there’s Twitter, Facebook, Google+, Flipboard, Tinder, Spotify and why we get so caught up in being on every one.

As much as I love social media, some of it is getting quite annoying. I just don’t see the point in having all these accounts that no one actually uses or cares about.

Twitter. Instagram. Tumblr. Pinterest (maybe). Those are enough for me. (And wordpress, obvi.)

 

What social sites are in your daily life?

 

AM x

Whoopsy…

I’m kicking myself right now. I hoped this wouldn’t happen, but it did and there is nothing I can do about it but fill you in on mostly everything I have done since May 19.

1. I changed my flight to LA until August 1.

2. I have continued my internship at East Texas Tourism, Kilgore Magazine and Gregg County Historical Museum.

3. I have reread one of my favorite YA Clique novels.

4. I have been off my health game.

5. I bought foundation from Walmart.

6. I have had readers block (I just made that up…I haven’t wanted to read anything other than #3 and I feel like it’s because my mind needs to release through writing.)

7. I have written about four chapters for a new book, (don’t be fooled, I haven’t written in two or three weeks) but I don’t know if I will continue that one.

8. TEEN WOLF IS BACK ON!!!!!!!!!

9. I read 50 Shades of Grey (OMG!)

10. I already feel better mentally from doing this

11. I am SO ready for school to start

12. I went to orientation at Texas Tech and let me just say, I’m SO ready for school to start.

13. I really need to do my nails.

14. I think I’m going to start posting videos……………..hopefully this will happen. I’m going to work on it.

15. I think I’m going to reserve this blog for my personal rants/stories/views and create a new blog for entertainment related posts.

 

LOVE YOU
AM x

My View: The Fault In Our Stars

This post is something that I have thought a lot about, worked on spanning over a few days and to be honest, been pretty deathly scared to post.

For those of you who have read the novel, it is safe to say you loved it; for those of you who have yet to read the population YA novel by John Green, prepare your heart.

I am going to try my best to not spoil anything for those of you who have not read the book, but be warned, whatever comes to my mind I will type and my spoiler radar maybe ignored.

The Fault In Our Stars is about two teenagers with turmoil cancer, yet it is not a book about cancer. It’s a love story. One of its many messages is that people with disease or illness are not defined by their condition. They are still people with worthy lives, lives that can be just as beautiful, heart wrenching and adventurous as those who are not ill.

I read the book after seeing the movie trailer (during Divergent, I think) and at that time (if you haven’t read my past posts) Shailene Woodley was not my favorite actress, but her performance in the mere two minutes of the trailer was phenomenal.

This books conveys many meanings and themes. The one I resonates with the most is the fact that life is short, no matter how long you live so you might as well make the most of it and enjoy it.
It’s one thing to read a love story about two completely healthy people and then later learn that they break up, but it is a completely different experience to read about two teenagers, who have depth and intellect that is uncommon in the average Joe, that fall in love. Not to be confused with the looked down on “teenage love.” After reading this book, I really don’t think such a thing exists. Love is love. Teenagers can love as hard, if not harder, than adults. The perception of teenagers not being able to comprehend what this four letter word means is completely burned to the ground by this book.

I have never been the girl who always talks about wanting a boyfriend, or who always has one; I don’t even know if I want to get married in the future. This book changed my view. I suppose I was skeptical of love, because I feel like it isn’t what it used to be, but it definitely has the potential if you find the right person.

Sometimes I find myself wondering who my Augustus Waters will be and it makes me smile. Fictional characters are just that, fictional, but they live in your mind like a legacy. I’m not going to hold every guy I ever meet to AW standards, but at least now I have sort of an idea. That sounds crazy, but I really don’t care.
I can’t really say much else about this phenomenon for the fear of leaving important things out, which is silly because every single character of this book speaks to the reader so this post would really be a summarization of each paragraph, but anyway.

If you haven’t read the book, do yourself a favor and pick it up.

I have referred three people to it, and all three have had this to say to me after: Fuck you.

But in a positive way, because although this book hurts you emotionally it is simultaneously the most beautiful thing this generation has seen.

I am grateful to John Green for his ability to create this beautifully written story of characters that will forever be in my heart.

Side
note: The soundtrack dropped today, so pick it up/download it! It features amazing artists such as Birdy, Ed Sheeran and Lykke Li.

Okay?,

AM x

Moving on

Okay, we have got to talk about this.

Friends.

The good and the shady. Friends are actually a beautifully weird relationship with someone/people who understand or can handle your personality and life. So often I find myself wondering about my friends. Yes, I definitely have amazing people in my life that I am ever so grateful to call my friends, but the truth is sometimes I try to prioritize them. For the past few weeks I have had this thought in the back of my mind, but tonight it has pushed its way to the front.

Sometimes I find myself trying to preserve friendships that are sinking no matter how much water I bucket and toss over the edge. I also find myself talking about this matter to those friends I have who are the epitome of a true friend, and it makes me feel like a complete twit. Here I am, with amazing friends that let me talk about anything and everything with no judgement, and I am complaining about being trying to be friends with another person.

No, this shouldn’t even be allowed.

After high school you truly find out who your friends are. There are best friends, friends, acquaintances and colleagues. I have about three people I talk to on a regular basis from high school, which freaks me out because senior year you have this feeling that you actually are going to stay friends with everyone you had classes with which *spoiler alert* you don’t. In college I found a group of people who I felt totally at ease with and I could actually have conversations I was interested in with these people. I will call these people friends, but there was one in particular who became a best friend, and now that person is drifting–or has been, I should say.

I don’t know why I insist on trying in this. Is it because I adore her younger sister? Because she’s one of the few people who share some of my obsessions? Why?

In transferring to a university, she has drifted all the way to a stranger. To someone I do not recognize even when I try really hard. Yet, I find myself texting, calling, tweeting, anything to keep in touch. That’s the thing though, it’s all me.

Dear reader, if you find yourself hanging onto a friendship that is in utter turmoil, do yourself a favor and let it go. It is not worth your worries. The saying “Don’t worry about those who don’t worry about you” is the absolute truth when it comes to failing friendships. It will all be fine. You will find more friends, and you probably already have amazing friends that you have shut out due to your attempt at saving the other friendship.

Do not worry. If you spend your life wondering why your “best friend” isn’t contacting you, it’s probably time to move on. Although I have only reached the tender age of 20, I feel like it would/will be a complete waste of my time to try to be someones friend. You can’t make yourself important to someone who doesn’t feel that way.

I want you, me and everyone else to have amazing relationships with the people they are around, and I want us all to do it without effort. Friendships should be natural, easy and fun. Not work.

Love,

AM x

So I’ve been creeping…

I’ll be the last to admit that I creep on people, mostly because I hardly perform the act… On people I actually know at least.

Okay, so here is the (condensed) story:

This girl who I became instant friends with in the 7th grade suddenly began to hate me in the summer before our senior year. We were the best of friends. Had the same interests, but enough differences to balance each other out. I was like a part of their family, because I was a constantly at their house, on trips with them and everything.

Well, I suppose she was going through something that she felt she couldn’t share with me, because I learned from her blog (which I introduced her to, but I stopped using mine a few months after) that she accused me hosting a “party” with my whole basketball team and we all were typical teens, getting drunk, doing drugs. She went on to say that she knew that we always did these things and on and on.

Our friendship ceased after I screenshot and sent her post to everyone on our team.

She also wrote that I would never accomplish much and she saw my life going down the drain.

I had never felt more betrayed. It felt like losing a sister. A family.

Anyway, sometimes I go to her blog (maybe once or twice a year), usually after I see her mom, or drive by her house and it just makes me wonder.

Since we stopped being friends to pretty recently, she posted about self harm, suicidal thoughts and the like. It scared me and at one point in the beginning I told her mom.

The posting continued and I felt bad for her because after our friendship, I moved on fine. I realized her cynicism had held me back from making other friends. (She constantly wanted me to hang out with her, and I felt bad leaving her out of going out with people who didn’t completely like her.) She, on the other hand, struggled. She became isolated and miserable, which I learned via her blog she thought I didn’t read and what I could read from watching her. A small part of me always felt bad for her, because I felt like she didn’t have anyone to talk to, but at the same time she is the one who decided to disintegrate our friendship.

Anyway, I went to her site and saw that she made a new blog and opened the link.

Upon the first post I read that she is a history major. Cue heartbreaking.

You see, my ex-best friend began her college career as a creative writing major. It saddens my heart when people stray from their dream. She explains that she has always loved history and it is a passion, and I realize people change, but I can’t help but wonder if she made this decision while being persuaded to do so, or if she truly found history to be more appealing than creative writing.

If she was persuaded, I cannot stress enough that if you have a dream go after it! The person trying to talk you out of it is the one not living their dream, so they couldn’t possibly be authorized to tell you what to do.
If the latter, then cool, great.

Sometimes I wish we were still friends, because we got along so great. But then again maybe we didn’t. Maybe she just put on an act… I was going to finish that sentence, but when I typed out what came to mind it sounded really rude.

Dream on,

AM x

#TFIOSTX

ALAS!

I feel as though I haven’t posted in weeks even though my last update was three days ago. The reason being: I feel that I have tried unsuccessfully to use this particular blog for a single subject (entertainment industry related topics) and, obviously, I have posted personal entries. Mostly because I sometimes feel as though I have no one else to talk to or explain what I am feeling to.

So via this post, this blog is no longer a strained one subject outlet. This is going to be a cyber scrapbook of my life. The highs, lows, college craze, struggles and everything else that comes with being a 20-year-old.

I thought a lot about this, whether I should delete this site and start anew, but I already have so many amazing memories here that it would hurt to delete them.

On to the present:

Yesterday I attend the Demand Our Stars event in Dallas (search #TFIOSTX on almost any social media site and you will find pics/videos) where I had the honor of being in the presence of John Green, Shailene Woodley, Ansel Elgort and Nat Wolff.

As you can imagine, I was completely amazed and in awe. These four are all extremely talented in more ways than I can count.

I still haven’t posted an entry of TFIOS, because still, dear reader, I cannot fathom my ideas of this novel into words, and for that I sincerely apologize. It’s annoying for me to keep mentioning and writing about TFIOS when I have not fully informed you of it, but all I am going to say is if you have yet to pick up this life changing YA novel, plus rush (although avoiding anything illegal) to the nearest bookstore and buy yourself a copy. It is well worth it.

Back to the event–I waited 10 hours (arrived at 8 a.m.) to the venue and sat with a friend I met through twitter (ah, the power of social media) and her friends, along with my gbf until we were let into the venue.

As much as I enjoyed the event, I feel like it was mine. Like I don’t want to share it with anyone who wasn’t there. I realize how selfish this sounds, and for that I apologize, but I simply cannot change my mind. As I said, you can search #TFIOSTX to essentially everything that happened.

This post is becoming a three part series, so I’m going to end it here and start a new post.

See you in a few,

AM x

When something happens that you wanted to make happen…

It’s a very weird situation to be in… At this moment I have learned about books that are being picked up by movie/television studios and though I am incredibly excited to see the outcome of my beloved books, I am also kind of bummed.

For some reason I have always had these thoughts in the back of my head that when I graduate with my Bachelor’s degree, I would break into the film world either with my own screenplays (or stories that someone could translate into a screenplay) or with a few books in mind.

Finding out that these projects have already been picked up is at best amazing, because I feel smart for having the same idea as apparent studio executives and at worst incredibly saddened that I will not be a part of the production process.

Obviously I have no right to the books, but it’s just like a dream, you know? I had all these amazing ideas from everything from dialogue, scene settings, cinematography to directing and then by reading an article in The Hollywood Reporter that is all gone.

I suppose I should be happy with myself just for the simple fact that I did have these books in mind, and it is cool to realize that people who matter in the industry that you someday want to be a part of had the same idea.

I’m going to try to be optimistic about this as I read the next four books on my reading list. Surely I will find other books that speak to me in the way these books had, and I will have the chance to pitch them to execs.

I’m just dreaming out loud here.
I’m delirious from studying for finals when all I really want to do is sleep, read magazines (which is what I took a break to do) and watch indie films.

Do what makes you happy,

AM x

Incredibly exciting

The idea of bonding with strangers from around the globe through the Internet is incredible.

You can feel like there is absolutely no one in your town that appreciates/loves something as much as you do, and there probably isn’t, and then you go online. Tumblr is my numero uno hangout because the people there just get it. It’s amazing that I don’t know one person that I can fully express myself (aka freak the freak out) with, but on tumblr or twitter I can connect with people I haven’t and probably will not meet through a hashtag.

Like, what even is that? Here I am, willing to talk to anyone and everyone that wants to know about <insert subject> but there is no one.

Sometimes I feel really alone, and that sounds really pathetic, but it’s true. I have friends, sure, but I feel like I really don’t have one friend who really gets me. I have one friend that is into what I’m into, with a little less enthusiasm, but she looses interest and sight of the subject. Then I have another friend who gets me, but teasing me for it.

Although I am very thankful for these two friends, I also am not fulfilled by them.

Is it too much to ask for to have a pop culture soul sister?

Maybe, but it’s what I want. That sounds super weird, like most girls my age are worried about boyfriends or their kids (omfreakingg) and here I am. Buying music on iTunes, blogging, forever clicking next page on tumblr and scanning the tweets of beloved hashtags with my cat at my side.

This post stemmed from The Fault In Our Stars. That actually may not be not-surprising because I don’t think I have posted a lot about it, but I am in love with this book the way you are only a few times in your life.

The prime reason I haven’t posted a not-review-but-you-know, is because I don’t even know how to express what this book means to me. It means hope, happiness, love, strength among other things and has changed my outlook on life in a way. I am grateful for the knowledge of this book and my fellow Fault Fanatics.

Fandoms are always fun, but this one is different. This book isn’t your cookie cutter a-typical story. It’s different. The people who love it are different and I don’t know how to explain, but they just are.

When you can talk to complete strangers and bond, cry and share your emotions toward the book which translate to things in their actually lives, you have good.

I may not have friends that I can talk to about the feels and whatnot, but I do have through hashtags, and they will always be there.

Today is the day that the Demand Our Stars meet ups are announced in detail, and I am completely freaking out.
Hopefully, after finding out the deets, I can fine tune my plan of action with my GBF to ensure a smooth day.

Also, I am working on a post about the book, but I don’t know if I’ll ever post it. It deserves to be amazing with a clear concept, but my thoughts and feelings of the book are everywhere (in a good way) and I just don’t know if I can successfully say what I’m trying to say.

Okay?

Okay,

AM x